Paint Me A Word Portrait

A long time ago, I was in the process of moving to a new state and attempting to find an apartment. This was challenging because the rental housing market in the area was very limited and expensive. One day during this process, I drove a very long way to view a duplex with a rental agent, only to discover 1.) that the owner hadn’t actually given permission to view the property, so it was all locked up and 2.) the property in question was directly next to one of the busiest interstates in that part of the US.

But the rental agent, I’ll give him this, did his best.

“I’m gonna paint you a word portrait of what this duplex is like,” said the agent, and so I stood there on the front walk trying to hear him shout a description of the duplex over the roar of passing semis on the nearby freeway.

It was right about then, I realized, that I was going to have to bite the bullet and buy a house.

If you’re a rental agent, “painting a word portrait” is probably not going to help close the sale. But if you’re a writer, it’s a vital skill. Because it is important to describe things so that the reader can quickly visualize the characters and setting of your story. A common complaint readers have about a book is that it’s difficult to visualize the characters, or that the author doesn’t adequately explain what things look like.

With that in mind, here are some tips for creating vivid and memorable descriptions in your books.

1.) Avoid Infodumping.

“Infodumping” is the practice of dropping a ton of information on the reader’s head all at once. The most common example is “As you know, Bob” conversations, where the character tells Bob a lot of stuff that Bob already knows for the purpose of relaying plot-vital information to the reader. There are better ways to convey information in the course of the story.

It is also possible to inadvertently use infodumping in descriptions. Let’s use an example from the CLOAK MAGE series – Nadia’s favorite dollar store chain, Dollar Commandant:

“The Dollar Commandant store occupied a parcel of land facing the state highway. The parking lot was asphalt and had room for exactly forty vehicles. Currently it held four pickup trucks, three cars, and two minivans. The Dollar Commandant store stood one story high, a hundred and fifty feet wide, and four hundred feet long. Glass doors opened into the store’s interior. Hanging over the store’s front doors was a painting of the store’s mascot, a grinning mustachioed man with wearing an elaborate military uniform and a large hat with a plume on it.”

After reading this, do you have an idea of what the Dollar Commandant store looks like? Yes, you probably do. But was that description somewhat tedious to read? Also yes. When writing a novel, it’s always best to avoid tedious bits, or to cut them out entirely. And if you do it for every single piece of description, people may have a hard time finishing your book. They may not be able to articulate why they found your story boring, but infodumping in descriptions would be a big part of it. (I also repeated the word “store” way too many times in a single paragraph.)

You can also end up infodumping with character descriptions. For example, here’s Nadia visiting the Dollar Commandant:

“Nadia walked across the parking lot to the Dollar Commandant store. She was a Caucasian woman of mixed Russian and Scottish ancestry who stood five feet and three inches tall and weighed one hundred and twenty one pounds. She had gray eyes, red-tinted brown hair, and was built like either a marathon runner or a distance swimmer. Today she wore steel-toed boots, black jeans, a red sweater, and a black wool pea coat.”

(Long time readers will know that Nadia usually dresses in a coat because her magic tends to drain away her body heat, which causes some odd reactions in summer. More on that below.)

Once again, you probably have an idea of what Nadia looks like from the description. However, once again this description was just somewhat tedious to read. Why is this a problem? It’s a bit like extra drag on a car, something that increases the wind resistance, like a damaged side panel jutting out. A little bit isn’t much of a problem but probably should be addressed at some point. Too much slows the car down, decreases gas mileage, and can even make the car undriveable. Too much tedious description will slow down your story and make it harder to read, like too much wind resistance on a car.

The exception to this is a scene where you would expect a character to engage in a clinical description. For example, a law enforcement officer sharing a description of Nadia would say something like “Caucasian female, five foot three, one hundred and twenty pounds, mid-twenties, last seen wearing a black coat and black jeans.” Or let’s say a commando leader had to plan a raid on the Dollar Commandant store for some reason, he would likely offer a detailed description of the building to his followers as part of the planning process.

2.) Avoid Laundry Lists

A subset of infodumping is the laundry list technique of character description. This happens when you describe a character by listing off what they’re wearing. For example, Nadia at the Dollar Commandant again:

“Nadia stood in the checkout line. She wore a black wool pea coat, a red sweater, black jeans, and heavy boots. Her brown leather purse was slung across her chest, her hand grasping the strap.”

Again, this is a bit tedious. Or if we were to describe the Dollar Commandant cashier in the same way:

“The cashier sat on a metal stool behind the counter, a large woman wearing a blue Dollar Commandant polo shirt, enormous hoop earrings, silver and gold bracelets, and red leggings.”

Both descriptions are basically a “laundry list” of what the characters are wearing without any other details to engage the senses.

As writers, we seem to default to laundry list descriptions whenever a character appears. As with infodumping, there is a time and a place for that kind of description, but the problem is that it is boring and doesn’t offer much to hold the reader’s attention.

So how to make descriptions more interesting? Let’s take a look at a few methods for writing more vivid descriptions.

3.) Engage two or more senses.

A rule of thumb for descriptions that will serve you will in many situations is to try and engage two or more of the senses whenever possible.

Humans, with some exceptions, are primarily visual creatures. Sight is generally the main sense through which we perceive the world. However, the other five senses are constantly running and providing additional information, often on a subconscious level. This means that you can immediately punch up your descriptions by including information about the additional senses.

For example, compare this description of the Dollar Commandant store to the one above:

“Nadia stepped through the doors and into the Dollar Commandant store. The blast of the air conditioning hit her in the face, accompanied by a faint odor of toilet bowl cleaner, and she shivered inside her coat. Cluttered aisles of low-cost merchandise stretched away to the back of the store. A woman in a yellow sundress and flip-flops held a sleeping toddler as she sorted through a bin holding plastic beach toys. At the registers, a bored-looking cashier sat on a stool and did not look up from her phone. Nadia headed for the hardware aisle, the cheap green carpet rasping against her boots.”

While this may be less technically precise than the first description, it probably created a more vivid picture of the Dollar Commandant store in your mind. The reason is that we managed to engage three senses at once: sight (the description of the cashier), smell (the air conditioning and the toilet bowl cleaner), and hearing (the rasp of the cheap carpet). Perhaps it brought to mind similar stores to the Dollar Commandant that you may have visited.

To use another example, let’s redo the description of Nadia above. In this example, the cashier, whose name is Maxine, looks at Nadia for the first time:

“Maxine sighed and put down her phone as the customer stepped up to the register. She was buying beef jerky and freeze-dried fruit, of all things. The woman was short and wiry and pale, wearing a black wool pea coat that was way too heavy for the weather. Even in the air conditioning, she ought to have been sweating like a toilet tank and smelling like a sweat sock. Instead, her face was dry, and she didn’t smell like much of anything at all.”

In this case, Maxine notices that Nadia isn’t sweating, and the absence of the odor is what draws her attention. Of course, the description also used similes, which takes us to the next tip for improving descriptions.

4.) The right amount of metaphor and similes are your friends.

Human communication is basically symbolic. Even language itself is a series of symbols intended to convey a specific meaning. Like, the word “laptop” is a string of letters which represents a specific sound that humans make, and in the English language, that specific sound represents a portable computer.

So the human brain runs on symbols, which means you can use symbolism in the form of metaphors and similes to help augment your descriptions.

Quick rule of thumb: a metaphor is a comparison that uses the verb “is” in the description. For example, “The Dollar Commandant is a dumpster.” In this sentence, the Dollar Commandant store isn’t literally a dumpster, but the speaker is comparing it to one. A simile, by contrast, uses the word “like” in the description. “The Dollar Commandant looks like a dumpster.” In both cases the speaker is expressing disdain for Dollar Commandant through the use of figurative language, just in slightly different ways.

The judicious use of metaphors and similes can enhance your descriptions. For example, here’s Nadia again:

“Nadia walked across the parking lot to the Dollar Commandant store. She was a short, lean woman in a dark coat, with eyes like cold gray coins and a smile that was a little too hard to be friendly. The coat was too heavy for the summer day, and also loose enough to conceal a shoulder holster.”

In this description, we can use a simile to help describe the way that Nadia sometimes unsettles people. Or to make it more vivid, we could describe her through Maxine the cashier’s eyes:

“The woman stepped up to the register, and Maxine sighed and put down her phone. The customer was buying beef jerky and freeze-dried fruit, of all things, and Maxine looked her over. Short, wiry, and pale, and wearing a heavy coat that looked way too hot. But it was an expensive coat. Maybe a present from her husband, to judge from the wedding ring. Probably some rich girl slumming it at the Dollar Commandant. Maxine started to speak, and then the woman’s eyes caught her attention. Pale and gray and bright, like coins in a freezer, and sharp as a knife. Maxine swallowed her smart remark and resolved to get the woman out of the store as fast as possible.” 

Careful use of metaphors and similes can improve your descriptions.

You don’t want to overdo it, of course:

“Her eyes were like coins, cold and bright. Her skin was pale was moonlight upon ice. Her red-tinted brown hair was like sunset upon a mahogany board. Her teeth were white and even, like perfectly spaced mints…”

Too much of that sounds like florid love poetry. Or maybe the SONG OF SONGS from Bible, where King Solomon compares his beloved’s hair to a flock of goats in the mountains. Which was probably more flattering in the early Iron Age Levant than it is nowadays. 🙂

5.) Mix & Match

To create a really vivid description, you can mix & match the techniques we’ve already described. Try two engage at least two of the senses, and mix in a metaphor or a simile or two.

Let’s have Nadia walk into the Dollar Commandant store again:

“Nadia walked through the doors. The air conditioning hit her like a slap in the face after the summer heat, and everything smelled faintly of toilet bowl cleaner. Cluttered aisles stretched to the back of the store, their shelves laden with a hodgepodge of low-cost merchandise. A bored cashier sat behind the register, eyes on her phone. A woman in a yellow sundress and flip-flops held a sleeping toddler in one arm, her expression intent as she dug through a bin of plastic beach toys. It looked like the sort of place where Nadia could walk out with half the store’s merchandise under her coat, and so long as she was quiet, the cashier wouldn’t look up from her phone.”

With this we can create a more vivid description. We have similes – the “slap in the face” and “looks like the sort of place”. We also have engagement with two of the senses – the feel of the cold air and the smell of toilet bowl cleaner.

This will also work with people, of course. Let’s take another look at the scene where Maxine notices Nadia for the first time:

“The customer put some beef jerky and freeze-dried fruit on the counter, the packaging crinkling and rustling, and Maxine blinked and put down her phone. A woman smiled at her from the other side of the counter – short, wiry, and pale. She wore a stark black pea coat, of all things, and her smile was unsettling. Combined with the gray eyes, it made Maxine think of a shark.”

Once again, we have engaged two senses, sight and hearing. We also have an indirect metaphor, when Nadia makes Maxine think of a shark.

How much description you use is up to you, of course, but in some situations you may need to use more, which we will discuss now.

6.) More Description Is Needed In Science Fiction And Fantasy

One advantage of writing things set in the modern world is that you often can get away with using less description since people will immediately know what you are talking about.

For example, consider this sentence:

“The police officer walked into the McDonald’s, the lunchtime crowd easing away from him.”

Almost certainly you immediately had a clear picture of the scene. You know what a police officer usually looks like, and you’ve probably been in (or worked at) a crowded fast food restaurant during the lunch rush. You could quickly use this to establish the scene and move on to the more interesting parts of the story. If a specific detail requires more elaboration, like the police officer is there to arrest one of the employees or customers, you could spend more time describing the scene.

But the point is that for things set in the roughly contemporary world, you can often get away with using less description because the audience will be familiar with the things you are talking about.

However, with fantasy and science fiction, you often don’t have this option because you are describing strange and fantastical things that do not exist in the real world.

Consider this sentence:

“The orcish warrior walked into the tavern, all eyes turning to face him.”

Enough people have seen THE LORD OF THE RINGS movies and played World of Warcraft or Dungeons & Dragons that most people will probably have a vague mental image of a hulking green-skinned guy walking into a fantasy tavern. (Of course, is it a Warcraft style orc come to get a drink, a savage but honorable warrior? Or is it a Tolkienian orc, a corrupted servant of the Dark Power?) But it’s when you get really specific or start inventing new concepts that you have to use more description.

Let’s take another example from the CLOAK MAGE series, the anthrophages. In the books, anthrophages are carnivorous monsters that haunt the Shadowlands, and Nadia winds up fighting them quite often. Since the concept of an anthrophage was something I made up for the series, I need to spend a bit more time describing the creature so that people know what I’m talking about:

“The anthrophage prowled towards Nadia. The miserable thing was roughly human-shaped, but gaunt, the muscles like bundles of piano wire beneath its mottled gray hide. Black claws jutted from its fingers and toes, and a row of dark spines ran down its back. Yellow eyes glared up at Nadia over a fang-filled mouth and a black crater of a nose, and the rotting grease smell of the creature’s breath came to her nose.”

That probably gives you a good idea of what an anthrophage will look (and smell) like.

As with the orcish warrior and the tavern that we mentioned above, fantasy and science fiction has moved enough into the mainstream that many people will have at least a vague idea of what an orcish warrior, an elven wizard, and a dwarven blacksmith look like, or at least enough not to be totally lost. (Someone who only reads Jason Bourne-style thrillers might get a bit lost picking up a fantasy novel, but if you’re writing fantasy, odds are they aren’t your target audience anyway.) However, the more original and unique your concept, the more time you will have to spend describing it.

Especially if you get really strange with your concepts. Like say the MacGuffin of your science fiction book is a thousand-sided crystalline prism that exists in multiple universes simultaneously and causes everyone who looks at it to simultaneously see their greatest fear and deepest desire. You’re definitely going to have to spend some words describing that thing. 🙂

7.) Infuse Characterization Into Descriptions.

It’s a common rule of thumb in law enforcement and investigation that if five different witnesses see a car accident, you will get five completely different and often contradictory accounts of what actually happened. This is because human perception is quite fallible and can vary based upon a thousand different factors.

An annoying reality for investigators, but you can use it to your advantage in descriptions by infusing characterization into them.

What do I mean by this? How a character describes something in the narrative can also give valuable insight into the character. We’ve talked about how to make descriptions less boring, and this is an excellent way to do it. Engaging multiple senses and using metaphors and similes will make descriptions more vivid, but adding characterization will add further intensity to the description and also help illuminate the character.

For example, imagine a homeless man sitting on the curb outside of a gas station. How a character describes the homeless man will provide an insight into their character. A woman who has previously been attacked or robbed by a homeless man would react with fear, and describe him in those terms. A police officer would note details about potential criminal violations and threat. A charity volunteer or social worker might note the man’s poor condition and health problems. A covert field operative might realize that the homeless man is in fact another agent in disguise, or being paid to act as a lookout for the operative’s enemies. A necromancer would consider the homeless man’s viability as a potential undead minion (I am mostly a fantasy writer, after all).

Let’s go back to Maxine, the cashier at the Dollar Commandant. If the scene is written from her point of view, we can use her description of Nadia to get a grasp on Maxine’s character.

For example, let’s say Maxine hates her job and is kind of lazy:

“She put down her phone with a sigh and looked at the customer. A short, wiry woman stood on the other side of the counter. She wore an oversized black pea coat, her sharp gray eyes watching Maxine. A small pile of beef jerky and freeze-dried fruit sat on the counter, placed there while Maxine had been watching her phone. That coat was way too hot for the weather. Probably some skinny little rich girl who exercised way too much, Maxine decided with disdain, and so was cold all the time. Which meant that Maxine had to ring up her stupid jerky.”

That gives us a good insight into Maxine while describing the scene.

By contrast, let’s say Maxine is kindlier and mostly contented with her life.

“She put down her phone and smiled at the customer. A short, wiry woman stood on the other side of the counter. She wore an oversized black pea coat, her sharp features arranged in a polite smile. A small pile of beef jerky and freeze-dried fruit sat on the counter, placed there while Maxine had been looking at the new pictures of her grandchildren. That coat was way too hot for the weather, and the woman inside it looked almost underfed. Maxine wondered if the poor girl was sick, or had some kind of circulatory problem.” 

Or let’s say Maxine is actually a high-end criminal, and is working at the Dollar Commandant as part of a scheme that will allow her gang to clear out the safe deposit boxes at the bank across the street:

“She put down her phone and smiled at the customer, maintaining the role of a genial cashier, but a prickle of alarm went down her back. An oddly dressed woman stood on the other side of the counter. Short, wearing an oversized black pea coat, black jeans, and steel-toed work boots. The coat was more than big enough to hide a shoulder holster, and it was hot enough that the woman should have been sweating beneath the coat, but she wasn’t. The woman had cold gray eyes in a sharp face. Maxine had known some killers in her time, and they all had eyes like that. Had the gang been tumbled? No – they were far enough along that the police would have shown up by now. Maybe it was just a coincidence. Maxine realized that she had frozen for too long, then smiled and started running packages of beef jerky and freeze-dried apples over the scanner, resolved to get this customer out the door before she noticed anything amiss.” 

Adding metaphors and engaging multiple senses can make the descriptions more vivid, but adding characterization to them will make them even more vivid, reveal insight into your characters, and can also help move the plot along.

8.) Keep It As Short As Possible

How much description should you use?

As much as you need, but no more.

I’m aware that is something of a tautology, but it’s true. You should use as much description as you need to convey what you want to describe, make it as vivid as possible, and then no more.

The reason for this is that you are telling a story and you do need to get on with it. Remember our wind resistance metaphor from above? Too much description will slow things down, and you might have the reader paging ahead to when the action resumes. The classic example of this is a romance novel where the heroine and love interest have an “encounter” and then there are pages of pages of surrendering and taking and opening and metaphorical soaring and so forth. Other genres have their characteristic weak points with description as well – a fantasy novel might devote too much time to describing a fight scene, or a science fiction novel could spend too much time describing an alien creature. Thriller authors sometimes like to show off their research a little too much by describing the protagonist’s firearms in loving detail.

Always remember that you are telling a story, and it’s important to get on with the story. It’s good to have vivid descriptions, but you don’t want to get bogged down with them.

That rental agent who painted a word portrait of the duplex didn’t close the sale. But hopefully these tips & tricks will help you to paint vivid word portraits in your books. 🙂

-JM