Elric Of Melniboné Attempts To Open A Can Of Soup

Lately I’ve been reading Michael Moorcock’s “Elric” stories, and I’ve noticed two things about Elric as a character:

-He whines a lot. And I mean a lot.

-Everything he whines about is his own fault.

For instance, Elric defeats his traitorous cousin Yyrkoon and rescues Cymoril, the love of his life, from the traitor’s clutches…only to hand the throne over to Yyrkoon, leaving Cymoril in Yyrkoon’s power. How could have possibly have ended well? (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t.) This seems to be Elric’s modus operandi: do something stupid, and act surprised when it blows up in his face.

Like, if Elric tried to open a can of soup, something like this would happen…

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ELRIC: I am cursed, and the most miserable of men! If only I could be free from the manipulations of the lords of Chaos.

(ELRIC attempts to open a can of soup, and fails.)

ELRIC: Agh! I am in dire peril! Lords of Chaos, aid me!

(Nothing happens.)

ELRIC: My lord Arioch! Aid me! Blood and souls for you, if you but lend me your power!

(ELRIC blacks out. When he awakens, the can of soup has been ripped open by the talon of some hideous otherworldly beast.)

ELRIC: Victory! The soup is mine!

(He reaches for the can, but accidentally spills it all over the ground.)

ELRIC: No! Everything I do is cursed, and all I touch turns to death and ashes! Why can I not escape from the powers of the lords of Chaos, upon whom I call whenever the slightest thing goes wrong?

(ELRIC’s shoelace breaks.)

ELRIC: I cannot continue unaided in the face of these travails! Lords of Chaos, aid me!

-JM