imposter syndrome?

Surabhi writes in to ask:

“Have you, as a very prolific writer, ever faced imposter’s syndrome or self-doubt? Do you still do? And what helps you overcome those doubts? I think self-doubt is something most writers go through.”

Well…to be totally honest, not really. Imposter syndrome has not been one of my personal challenges. Whatever my personal Struggle Bus might have been in life, let’s just say imposter syndrome was not among the passengers.

I did almost quit writing at the end of 2010, but not out of imposter syndrome – I was just utterly disgusted with traditional publishing and traditional SF/F publishing in particular (an emotion that has not substantially changed in the fourteen years since). My frustration wasn’t one of imposter syndrome – I had written ten novels at that point and knew I could do it – but that it was nearly impossible to break into traditional publishing and that even if you did you wouldn’t make much money.

So I decided that I was wasting my time and I needed to pursue more profitable enterprises. But right around that time I discovered self-publishing, and things took off from there.

But I can pinpoint the exact moment I lost any trace of imposter syndrome when it comes to writing. It was in early 2012, when I got a stern letter from the IRS informing me (to paraphrase a bit) that I needed to be paying much more on my self-publishing writing income. It was my fault – at the time, I was new to the idea of quarterly tax payments and didn’t fully understand how they worked, and I had messed one up.

So I sent in the payment with the associated penalty, and that was that.

But the IRS, if you are not familiar with it, is the American federal tax collection agency, and it famously has no sense of humor whatsoever and is also very fond of accuracy. So if the IRS was of the opinion that I was a good enough writer that I needed to be paying more on my writing income, I sure wasn’t going to argue with them.

I can just imagine how that would play out for a writer who does have imposter syndrome.

Writer: I don’t feel like a real writer.

IRS: Our records indicate otherwise. You will need your checkbook now.

Writer: I feel so validated!

IRS: That…is not the usual reaction. 

(Side anecdote: I have to fill out the US Annual Integrated Economic Survey for small businesses from the Census Department every year, and “self-employed writer” seems to fall under the same category as “musician or taxidermist” in that survey.)

That semi-amusing anecdote aside and to return (at last!) to our original point, I have to admit imposter syndrome has never really been a problem for me. I don’t present myself as something other than what I am, freely admit when I don’t know something, and I only rarely speak (or write) without thoroughly thinking it through first. Thinking aloud is something I don’t really do. If I encounter something I don’t know how to do that I nonetheless have to do, my usual approach, for better or worse, is to make a good-faith approach to muddle through and hope for the best, which can have results ranging from very good to less than desirable, like that thing in 2012 with the quarterly tax payment I botched.

I am not a psychiatrist, but I suppose the only advice I would offer a writer with imposter syndrome is to never engage in self-denigration, whether aloud or as part of your internal monologue. Like, you shouldn’t puff yourself up falsely, but neither should you put yourself down inaccurately. Lying to yourself and others that you’re worse at something than you really are is just the same as pretending to be good at something you’re not.

It’s best to view all things as they are, without flattery or inaccurate denigration, even oneself.

But be kind to yourself. I’ve noticed people will sometimes say things about themselves that they would never in a million years say about someone else.

That said, whenever I had to fill out an employee self-evaluation, I always rated myself as excellent in every single category except for one, which only rated as Very Good. As I said, never engage in self-denigration, especially in a professional setting! 🙂

-JM