the five stages of traditionally-published author grief over ebooks

I was, once upon a time, a traditionally published author with a traditionally published book. I was not, however, a terribly successful traditionally published author, so I had no reservations about embracing self-epublishing.

But in the last two years, I have seen many successful traditionally published authors become gradually aware of self-epublishing. In fact, they frequently say the same things as they acclimate to the new paradigm. In fact, (somewhat tongue-in-cheek) it’s like they go through Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s five stages of grief.

So, without further ado, I present the Five Stages Of Traditionally-Published Author Grief.

DENIAL

“Self-published ebooks are not on the same level of traditionally published books. They are terrible and filled with horrible typoes. Publishers are necessary, because they screen out the unskilled riffraff (like you) and only let in the truly talented (like myself). The public appreciates the necessary curating function of publishers, which helps ensure the future of quality American literature, such as my series HIRSUTE WEREWOLF LOVERS OF WASHINGTON. Self-publishing is for amateur writers, but you’ll find real writers at traditional publishers. Also, people love the smell and feel of real books and no ereader can ever replace that.”

ANGER

“This is ALL AMAZON’S FAULT!”

BARGAINING

“Maybe I’ll try dabbling in ebooks. Just as an experiment. To see what happens. A collection of short stories, completely unrelated to my other work. My real work, my real books, I’ll keep with traditional publishers, thanks.”

DEPRESSION

“American literature is doomed. We shall all drown beneath a sea of crappy ebooks, and no one will ever be able to find anything good to read ever again, anywhere, for any reason, for the remainder of the history of the universe. My publisher passed on my next series, and it’s all your fault for buying ebooks!”

ACCEPTANCE

“Good news, everyone! The first volume of my SF/paranormal romance series BUXOM VENUSIAN VAMPIRES IN VENICE, is now available for $3.99 on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Smashwords! And in even better news, I’ve gotten the rights for HIRSUTE WEREWOLF LOVERS OF WASHINGTON  back, and the ebook editions will be coming shortly!”

(Note that some patients may experience the additional phases of Abject Horror, Existential Freakout, and Total Internet Meltdown.)

-JM