Star Trek vs. Windows 7
Windows 7 comes out today. My experiences with it so far have been pretty positive. But, I wonder, what would happen if the valiant crew of the Enterprise had to install Windows 7…
(We see the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, cruising majestically through OUTER SPACE.)
Kirk: Captain’s log, stardate 4567.8. Per Starfleet orders, we are preparing to install the new “Windows 7” operating system on the main computer.
(On the BRIDGE, the CREW prepares to install WINDOWS 7.)
Scotty: Captain, all systems are green. We’re ready to install the upgrade, sir.
Kirk: Very good. Mr. Scott, Mr. Spock, begin at once.
(SPOCK produces a WINDOWS 7 DVD and tries to open it.)
Kirk: Spock? Is there a problem?
Spock: There may be an…unanticipated difficulty, Captain. The DVD case appears encased in some sort of invincible plastic bubble. Even with superior Vulcan strength, I am unable to inflict any damage upon it.
Scotty: Ach, sir! Let me have a try at it!
(SCOTTY attacks the DVD PACKAGING with a STEAK KNIFE.)
Scotty: Sir! I cannae do any damage to the DVD package! Tis some unearthly hellspawned plastic!
Kirk: Oh, for God’s sake!
(KIRK draws his PHASER and shoots the WINDOWS 7 DVD.)
Kirk: See? There. The case is open.
Spock: As ever, your logic astonishes me, Captain. However, I must point out that the DVD was melted with the case, and is now useless.
Kirk: Oh. I see. Well, we’ll just order it online. Download a copy from the Microsoft website.
(Fourteen hours pass.)
Spock: Captain, I am pleased to report that we can now begin upgrading.
Kirk: Finally! Get on with it, Mr. Spock.
Spock: There may be…another difficulty, Captain.
Kirk: What now?
Spock: We’ll have to upgrade our system RAM. Windows 7 requires 1 gigabyte of RAM. Currently, our main computer has only 512 kilobytes of RAM.
Kirk: 512 kilobytes? Dear God! Why do we only have 512 kilobytes of RAM?
Spock: Our show was produced in the 1960s, Captain. Back then 512 kilobytes of RAM seemed like an enormous amount.
Kirk: Very well, order more RAM. Also, you did make sure to get backups for all our important data?
Spock: I believe so, Captain.
Kirk: Make sure you get my entire iTunes library. I spent a lot of time putting together my “Jim’s Hot Seduction Mix Playlist”, understand?
Spock: Ah…yes, Captain.
Kirk: Do you know how many times I’ve used that playlist to get some green-skinned alien babe in the sack?
Spock: The metadata indicates that the playlist has been accessed 367 times.
Kirk: Yeah, that sounds about right.
Spock: (lifts eyebrow)
(Another eighteen hours pass.)
Scotty: And…I think we’re there, sir. All applications have been reinstalled, and all data has been restored.
Spock: The main computer is coming back up now…I believe we are now successfully running Windows 7, Captain.
Kirk: It’s about time. Maybe we can finally…
Sulu: Captain! Sensors are detecting a Klingon warship decloaking!
Kirk: Red alert! Shields up! Arm phaser banks and load all torpedo bays!
(The ominous sight of a KLINGON WARSHIP fills the viewscreen.)
Sulu: Phasers locked, sir.
Kirk: Fire!
(Nothing happens.)
Kirk: What the hell? Why aren’t we firing?
Sulu: I…I don’t know, sir! I can’t see the phaser status on my terminal!
(Suddenly the message “Windows Has Detected A New Device” appear on the viewscreen.)
Spock: Fascinating. It appears that the drivers for our phaser banks were not properly installed.
(The message “Windows Cannot Find The Drivers For Your Device. Do You Want Windows To Search Online For Drivers For Your Device?” appears on the screen.)
Kirk: Yes! Yes! Spock, have it get the damn drivers!
Spock: Authorizing now, sir.
(The ENTERPRISE shudders as the KLINGON WARSHIP opens fire.)
Kirk: C’mon…c’mon…
(The message “Windows Was Unable To Find The Drivers For Your Device” appears on the viewscreen.)
Kirk: What the hell?
Spock: I would deduce, Captain, that our phaser manufacturer has not yet updated their drivers for Windows 7.
Kirk: Son of a…
(The KLINGON WARSHIP fires, destroying the ENTERPRISE.)
-JM