Star Trek vs. Cell Phones

I’ve spent a lot of time lately trying to get a bunch of smartphones to work properly with email and contacts and so forth, and it’s been a pain. Everyone says that the modern cell phone was inspired by the communicators that Captain Kirk whipped out on the original “Star Trek” when he wanted Scotty to beam him up. But Captain Kirk’s communicator always worked flawlessly, you know?

I wonder what would happen if he had to deal with a real cell phone…

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(KIRK, SPOCK, SULU, and ENSIGN REDSHIRT beam down to the surface of an ALIEN PLANET.)

Kirk: All right, gentlemen. Spread out and stark looking for…

(Suddenly DISRUPTOR FIRE explodes against a nearby boulder.)

Kirk: A Klingon raiding party! Take cover!

(The CREW takes cover and returns fire with their PHASERS.)

Spock: Captain, we are outnumbered. I suggest we retreat to the Enterprise at once.

Kirk: Logical as ever, Mr. Spock. Let me just call the Enterprise and have them beam us out.

(Kirk produces his CELL PHONE.)

Kirk: Let’s see…contacts, I want to scroll down to E…Ed, Eddie, Edna, Edna, Edna, Edna….geez, I’ve got five different Ednas in there. I’ve got to clean up my contacts one of these days. Ellie, Elliot…

(More DISRUPTOR FIRE explodes off the boulders.)

Sulu: Captain! Hurry!

Kirk: Here we are! Enterprise!

(KIRK hits the CALL BUTTON and lifts the CELL PHONE to his ear.)

Cell Phone: We’re sorry, but the number you have dialed is unavailable or no longer in service.

(KIRK looks at the CELL PHONE.)

Kirk: Dammit! I’m not getting any signal! Ensign Redshirt! See if you can find some signal!

Ensign Redshirt: Yes, sir!

(ENSIGN REDSHIRT stands up and is promptly vaporized.)

Kirk: Not again! Wait…I’m getting a single bar! Let me try again.

(KIRK dials again.)

Kirk: It’s ringing! Hello? Scotty, it’s the captain! Beam us out right now!

Scotty: Captain, (static) (static) spilled coffee (static) (static) (static) transporter console (static) (static) (static) sugar everywhere (static) (static) inoperable (static) (static) cannae (static) (static) laws of (static) physics (static) (static) (static)

(The call drops)

Sulu: What happened?

Kirk: My phone went dead! Mr. Spock!

(SPOCK examines the CELL PHONE.)

Spock: It appears, Captain, that the battery has gone dead.

Kirk: But I charged it up right before we left the ship! Son of a…

(Another volley of DISRUPTOR FIRE vaporizes KIRK, SPOCK, and SULU.)

###

I wonder if things would have gone any better if Captain Kirk had used a text message?

###

Kirk: A Klingon raiding party! Take cover!

(The CREW takes cover and returns fire with their PHASERS.)

Spock: Captain, we are outnumbered. I suggest we retreat to the Enterprise at once.

Kirk: Logical as ever, Mr. Spock. Let me just text the Enterprise and have Mr. Scott get us out of here.

(KIRK produces his BLACKBERRY and begins typing with his thumbs.)

Kirk: Let’s see…under attack by Klingons, beam out immediately.

(KIRK hits the send button. On the BRIDGE of the ENTERPRISE, LIEUTENANT UHURA looks up in alarm.)

Uhura: Mr. Scott, we’ve received an urgent text message from the captain.

Scott: Aye? What’s it say?

Uhura: Um…undr tck bye klngs, beem u imdtly, k thanxs bye.

(UHURA and SCOTT stare at the console.)

Scott: What the hell d’you suppose that means, lassie?

Uhura: I’m sure I don’t know. Some sort of code, perhaps?

Scott: Maybe it’s a different language.

Uhura: Yes, that’s it! I think I recognize the language now…of course! It’s a modified dialect of Rigellian!

Scott: The captain speaks Rigellian?

Uhura: Evidently. Here’s the translation. You go carry out his orders. I’ll send a response.

(On the planet, ENSIGN REDSHIRT has been vaporized, while KIRK, SULU and SPOCK have taken cover behind boulders. Suddenly Kirk’s BLACKBERRY beeps.)

Kirk: They’ve responded! It says…it says “as ordered, Captain, we have prepared kumquat and horseradish sandwiches for your lunch.”

(long pause)

Kirk: What the hell!?

Sulu: You eat kumquats with…horseradish? Dear God, sir. I mean…dear God.

Kirk: I do not eat kumquats with horseradish, Mr. Sulu!

Spock: Fascinating. It appears that your texting skills are so poor that not even a hint of your actual message got through.

Kirk: Son of a…

(Another volley of DISRUPTOR FIRE vaporizes KIRK, SPOCK, and SULU.)

###

But what if Captain Kirk used an iPhone? Surely that would have helped!

###

Kirk: A Klingon raiding party! Take cover!

(The CREW takes cover and returns fire with their PHASERS.)

Spock: Captain, we are outnumbered. I suggest we retreat to the Enterprise at once.

Kirk: Not to worry, Mr. Spock. I have my iPhone with me!

(KIRK produces his iPHONE, making sure that everyone can see him use it.)

Kirk: Let me just unlock it and use Voice Command to make the call…wait. Something’s wrong! It says I have to connect iPhone to iTunes first!

Spock: It is not activated.

Kirk: What? Why not?

Spock: The Enterprise’s budget could not possibly sustain the cost of a monthly iPhone voice & data plan, Captain.

Kirk: Son of a…

(Another volley of DISRUPTOR FIRE vaporizes KIRK, SPOCK, and SULU, though ironically, not ENSIGN REDSHIRT.)

-JM