Nadia Moran vs. third person narration!
Recently, I switched the book descriptions of the first three CLOAK GAMES books from 3rd person to 1st person. I figured that would work better with the books, since they’re all in 1st person.
But I was really surprised that the first three books starting selling better with new descriptions. I suppose the new description was a lot punchier in 1st person as opposed to 3rd person. Now that the rough draft of SEVENFOLD SWORD: UNITY is done, I think one of my projects for April will be to update all of the CLOAK GAMES descriptions to 1st person.
Anyway, for comparison purposes, here are the old description and the new description for CLOAK GAMES: THIEF TRAP side by side. You can decide for yourself which one is better!
OLD DESCRIPTION:
In 2013, a gate to another world opened, and Elves used their magic to conquer Earth, crushing all resistance before them.
Three hundred years after the Conquest, the exiled Elven High Queen rules an orderly but stagnant Earth, with humanity forced to fight in the High Queen’s war against the traitors on the Elven homeworld.
Nadia Moran doesn’t care about that. She doesn’t care about the High Queen, or the Rebels seeking to overthrow her. All she cares about is getting her baby brother the treatments he needs to recover from his potentially fatal disease…and those treatments have a steep price.
Fortunately, Nadia has magic of her own, and she’s a very, very good thief.
Unfortunately, the powerful Elven lord Morvilind has a hold on Nadia. If she doesn’t follow his commands, her brother is going to die.
Of course, given how dangerous Morvilind’s missions are, Nadia might not live long enough to see her brother’s death…
NEW DESCRIPTION:
The High Queen of the Elves has conquered Earth, but I don’t care about that.
I don’t care about the High Queen, or the Rebels seeking to overthrow her. All I care about is getting my baby brother the treatments he needs to recover from his potentially fatal disease…and those treatments have a steep price.
Fortunately, I have magic of my own, and I’m a very, very good thief.
Unfortunately, the powerful Elven lord Morvilind has a hold over me. If I don’t follow his commands, my brother is going to die.
Of course, given how dangerous Morvilind’s missions are, I might not live long enough to see my brother’s death…
-JM
Yeah, the 2nd one is waaaaaay more compelling. Well, for me, anyway. I read stories, of this sort anyway, for the characters. And in the 2nd one the character is talking to me, she sounds quite interesting, and that’s compelling.
And the second one is shorter. Shorter is almost always better for this kind of thing.